


Space and The Woods

by orphan_account



Category: Free!
Genre: Alcoholism, Eating Disorder, Self Harm, trigger warning, vent fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-18
Updated: 2020-04-10
Packaged: 2021-02-27 09:46:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,471
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22305124
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: So this is a vent fic; Ikuya hurts himself in more than one way... I'm projecting sorry, not sorry... I may be tispy/drunk during half of this and I cut myself this morning too after not self-harming for over a month? OOPS!!!!The title is just a Marina song about suicide I'm so predictable! It's an unreleased song, it's great though, give it a listen!
Comments: 1
Kudos: 1





	1. I'm in pain

**Author's Note:**

> TW: Do not read if you're sensitive to self-harm, alcoholism, or eating disorders... please... seek help because I sure am not seeking help lmao!
> 
> I have no editor for this, and since the second half I'm drunk as fuck right now if I mess up grammar or time tenses which is my most common mistake I'm so sorry!! Please bear with me, I'm not in the right headspace anyways~ thanks!! im sorry fdjsfkhasdfsd i got a call it's noon i SAID GOOD NIGHT to her so like... im fucked im sorry ahah
> 
> The song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UBCgA4EA47k the only real connection is suicide, but yeah!

I scream and cry and push things aside. I’m a mess. My mind is a mess. I’m not particularly careful of who I hurt, what I break or who is concerned for me. As if they really care…

No one actually even cares about me anyway, I have no friends and my family only pretends to care… I’m a mess… A desperate mess.

I grab my razor and head to the bathroom, I slam the door…

Don’t come in… I make one cut. The burn is nice and makes me feel alive.

I make a second deeper cut. The burn is my friend… my only friend.

Another one, another and more and more… I continue the self-destruction. This pain is the only thing that matters to me. It’s the only thing I know for certain.

The blood spills from me, I’m alive but I wish I wasn’t. I wanna die but at the same time, I may have good moments in the future. I’m confused. I keep cutting and cutting faster some deep some superficial…

I’m a mess… I wish I was dead but I wish I was better at the same time… I’m. A. Mess.

~~

I take the opportunity after I’m done cutting to wrap my thighs and left arm in medical tape. I live with my brother and his boyfriend, Nao. I’m only 19 but I search for something else to hurt myself with… And I know the thing to use, the right thing. Alcohol.

I open the fridge to see some alcohol and look at the top shelf of the liquor cabinet. I take what I can and try to drown out the pain, I try hard. I drink and drink. Things get fuzzier and fuzzier. Not enough… I drink more… More and more… I wanna be completely gone from whatever fucking reality I am in.

It’s 9:08 am, but it’s 5 o’clock somewhere right?

I blackout before I know too much of my surroundings… good… allow me to fall into the earth and be claimed… except I’m in the kitchen and I’m not dead.

~~

“Ikuya?” I hear a voice, “What happened? Wake up! Ikuya!!” Natsu-nii’s voice…

“God, Natsuya he got into the alcohol, you’re a really bad influence,” Nao’s voice…

Stop acting concerned, you hate me, you don’t care, either of you… no one does, no one ever did and no one will ever care!

The next thing I know is that I’m being guided by both of them. I’m in my bed… My thighs and arm sting, it’s nice and comforting in a sick and twisted way. I’m wearing long sleeves and pants so I don’t think they caught on to the cutting… 

“Ikuya, please wake up?” Natsu-nii lightly touches my face and I scrunch my face a bit.

“No, fuck off,” I say with utter despair.

“Ikuya please talk nicer to me and Nao,” He says.

I don’t care because they don’t care either… I know they don’t care. Everyone only pretends to care. I’m incapable of being loved and cared about. I’m a nuisance, I’m annoying, and I’m bratty cry baby with destructive behaviors… This is why I’m unloveable. Forever and always. I was born a mistake.

“You both don’t have to act as if you care,” I try to say this but it came out very weird but they get the gist. It was very jumbled and incoherent… they looked concerned.

“Ikuya, I care almost too much, I’m basically your mother,” Nao says… Yeah right, you don’t care because I’m not capable of being loved.

“No one loves me! You don’t care!” I yell, their faces read as shocked but it’s not shocking… It’s just the truth? I never lie!

“That’s not true, if we didn’t care we’d not have taken you in,” Nao said, he sat on my bed… his voice sounds concerned but I’m confused, kinda hungover and not buying any bullshit.

“You can fake care, Nao,” I said this but they both aren’t budging, they’re just as stubborn as I am.

We’re three peas in a single stupid pod of irrational feelings.

~~

“Ikuya, dinner is ready!” Natsu-nii said this at my door, knocking.

“No, I’m not hungry!” I haven’t eaten in days… I don’t deserve to eat. I’m fat. I’m a failure. I need to disappear physically. I’m worthless… this is… another form of self harm I picked up on.

“I doubt that,” He opened my door and looked at me with his fake ass concerned eyes.

“Have you even ate anything recently? It’s 7 pm and you got wasted at fucking 9 am like an insane idiot, you’re underage too, you can get in legal trouble… eat food. Come on!” Natsu-nii tried to grab my arm… he notices something I don’t believe in.

“Ikuya… earlier I notice you lost weight… Have you actually been eating?” He touches my upper arm more and more.

“Yeah I’d been eating, leave me alone I’ll eat later,” I take my arm away from him… the pain from my cutting causes me to wince a bit… the pain is almost erotic though?

“Ikuya?” Natsu-nii said again… stop saying my name and pretending to care and just go already?

“Stop, I’m going to bed,” I get up and move to my bed… I cover myself… I take my phone and earbuds from my hoodie pocket and put them in and start listening to music to forget everything else…

~~

The next day I wake up to three people in my room, some sort of weird intervention? Pathetic… just like me.

My brother, Nao and Hiyori, my only real friend kinda? I think he hates me too, I’m not good enough to be loved or have friends.

“Ikuya we need to talk with you, we are concerned, your behavior is too weird,” Nao stated, and again, seats himself on my bed for literally no reason.

“You haven’t been at swim practice or any classes in weeks, Ikuya,” Hiyori said, out of fake ass compassion. Stop! Stop acting! I see through everyone in this cruel world.

“Please just let me sleep,” I covered myself once more, but the covers are taken away again. “Stop! I’m cold,”

Hiyori is before me… “Ikuya please,” he gets down on his knees to look at me easier, he unhands the covers and allows me to cover everything other than my face. I feel too vulnerable, I’m so pathetic to have gotten to this point. I need to slice my flesh again… I have that fucking urge.

“Say what you need to say,” I said…

“We’re worried,” Hiyori looks hurt but, again, I don’t buy people’s bullshit, “You’re isolating yourself, you’re not answering messages, you look a lot thinner, apparently… Natsuya-kun says you got drunk at like 9 am? Ikuya you’re 19! You’re underage and it’s bad to get drunk, especially when you’re not eating!”

“I’m my own person and I can fuck myself up if I want, I’m over 18! I’m adult enough to ruin my life,” I said, scowling on the brink of idiotic tears.

“I’d rather my kid brother not die before me,” Natsu-nii said crossing his arms.

“Leave me alone, I’d rather be alone and die alone than next to three fake caring people,” I cover my face and wince and shrivel up… a fetal position… they’re still here… trying to pretend to care more.

I dream of carving my skin right now… I wish I could open my body with a razor…

~~

Everyone eventually leaves but they’re all still in the house. I’m trapped… trapped. I can still cut in my bedroom. I didn’t even shower last night, I’m sticky with brown stains of old blood under all of these layers of clothing and shame…

Everything is removed and a chair is under my doorknob… have fun trying to get in here. I do have one really old hand-me-down I lay on the floor. I grab my razor and I uncover what I did the previous day… I wanna vomit… it’s gross… 

The old bloodstains on my skin, the open flesh that clearly is trying its best to heal even one day later… I’m pathetic… I decide to not touch these and go to my inner upper arm… New scars? Meh, Why not, I already fucked up my left forearm and wrists so that other swimmers, if I ever go back… will see how weird and much of a desperate freak I am.

I start off superficial… whatever… deeper… deeper. I’m pretty sure this skin is the easiest to scar so even these superficial cuts will last my entire life… if I even decide to live to tomorrow… 

Cut, burn, release, euphoria… that’s a sick cycle that I live by now… Thank god for self-destruction. It’s addicting and something I never knew I needed...

The sting and what makes me feel alive is what I crave but I wish I were dead… maybe one day I can gain the fucking courage to just fucking end it… may as well torture myself before I do though right?

~~

“What caused Ikuya to get this bad?” These three are having a conversation about me… I’m unaware in my own reality but I’m narrating this fucking thing, I know this is breaking the fourth wall but whatever, so I just know what to tell you, but I don't know anything at all. It was Hiyori who said this, that's all I got.

“I don’t know and I’m worried just as much as anyone else here is,” Natsu-nii said. Liar.

“He’s obviously got some internal issues he needs to just let out but refuses to let out for some reason?” Nao stated, correct… wow finally saying truths huh?

“Ikuya won’t open up right now but maybe soon he’ll tell us?” Hiyori explains… why should I tell anyone anything when that’s weak. I'd rather die than explain anything to anyone who acts as if they understand as if they care, as if they love me?

~~

My stomach says I'm hungry and my mind is telling me just to drink alcohol so I can fall asleep or wash the pain away. I can be a happy drunk too, sometimes if I drink the right shit at the right amount I get happy and laugh a lot at nothing, creating the illusion that I'm fine and that I'm funny and A-OK. Nothing is ever okay. Nothing ever will be okay. My mind is diseased and my body is the punching bag.

Hours? Have gone by I think? I dunno, and at this point, I wish years have gone by, closer to natural death. Less disappointing to Natsu-nii and everyone else. Suicide would make them hate me more. At least I think?

I see no one around, my chance... no food... just...alcohol. I go for the softer shit. I wanna feel a happy euphoria. Nao's drinks get me like that... I drink... drink... drink...

I'm laughing. Nothing is funny and there is clearly no one in the apartment right now... I laugh more. Drink more... The illusion of humor and the illusion of being happy sends me to space.

"Sometimes, I wish I was like this all the time," I say aloud, wishing just that... to be happy. A fever dream? Impossible! Happiness is unachievable! I laugh again. I'm fake happy and I wished on nothing that it would last but I know in my empty ridden gut it won't. I can't kid myself. I lay on the floor and begin to just sing songs poorly... This fake happy is worth it.

~~

Cut, starve, drink repeat is how I wish my life was... But eventually, these three will force an intervention or some outside help onto me, I am not looking forward to it.. allow me to make my choices to harm myself in many horrid ways... alone... forever... Let me be?

~~

Feeling hungry is kinda skinny feeling I love? I dunno how to explain it, it's really addicting, my mind is muddy with toxic thoughts. Either I'm drunk, starving, or wishing I was dead... Let me be?

~~

"Hiyori? What are you doing here?" I say... it's been a couple more days. I'm groggy, in bed and tired...

"I missed you, you're my best friend and I'm concerned," Why do I feel like he's lying to me? He says things. I don't believe him. Stop stop stop!!

"I don't feel good leave me alone," I say, I mean I feel sick so I'm not lying... 

"I'm sorry for intruding then but I'm worried, do you mind if I just stay here silently then do you?" He says... I allow him with a nod. Just... be quiet. Please!

The silence is deafening, it's horrible... It's louder than actual noise. Why can't you let me sleep? I don't know!?

~~

My hangover one night was the worst... I vomit and I cry and I can hear the two others' in the room talking, mumbling, judging... they hate me... I know I dropped out of school. I know I stopped swimming, I cut, I starve, binge food because I'm desperate for a taste of being a failure... I drink and I sleep. I'm a disappointment and one of these days I'll die a natural self-destructive death. If nothing makes me happy why even try?


	2. No Redemption. All you are is Shallow and Selfish...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This fic was supposed to show growth... from my low point of 2020 to a high point but honestly...It's all been shit. Jan 18... to now... SHIT!  
> This is me projecting my suicidal thoughts onto Ikuya... because yeah... I ruined all my friendships today so I'm feeling hella suicidal (y)

You ruin everything you ever started. You open up and then shut out again. You hurt others, abuse them mentally and emotionally by hammering them with your problems (which they don’t even care about) and talk like you’re the center of the world like only YOU matter. You talk like a big shot and try to steal the spotlight but you’re a nobody, there isn’t a person on this earth who has you at the top of their list. Your selfish tendencies and actions and way of talking… ‘me me me!’ It is so backward to how you feel about yourself. Selfishness while having the lowest possible self-esteem. It’s quite weird but it’s something people hate you for. Your friendships are fragile like you are because you’re pathetic. You genuinely care about others but they can’t care about you because while you care for them; You’re still selfish. They can see that, they hate you for it. Not one person genuinely likes you and it’s apparent. That’s why you’re gonna take the easy way out. They will not care one bit... You're a shallow person. Shallow...

Ikuya didn’t want life to end like this… a suicide note addressed to himself in the second person. Blood on his hands... his own body count. Him.

Not that anyone cares. He’ll slowly slip under and soon the Earth will consume him and no one will bat an eye. He’ll be forgotten in a matter of days...

Friendships always end, but that's life.

Life always ends... but that's life...


End file.
